The Peace that Passes...

Today Troy had his surgery on his foot.  It has been a long time coming and I am so glad he finally did it.  Hopefully this is the beginning of the end of this whole foot saga. 

Today I woke up at 430 am.  It was early but I was refreshed.  A friend came over to watch the kids and Troy and I arrived at the hospital at 515.  I was tired after sitting for a while and once they called him back I was ready for a nap.  Initially I sat alone while they got him ready (starting the iv and taking his vitals).  I was just sitting.  Not thinking about anything.  Not the surgery not my day, nothing.  They called me back and I got to talk to the doctor.  He was super nice and I knew Troy was in good hands.  They told me 2-4 hours.  What a window!  Anyway, I went back to the waiting area to eat some breakfast it was 7 am by this point.  I made the necessary calls and even prayed with Mom and Emily.  Emily made the comment about my nerves and for the first time I realized that I was not having any nervousness.  None!  Not one little smidgen. 

After breakfast I hung out in front of the surgery center.  I found a semi-comfy couch and took off my shoes.  I was in it for the long haul.  I fell asleep once and was awoken by a nurse calling my name.  It was a different Christi, oh well back to reading my book.  Fast forward 4 1/2 hours.  I realized that I had already read 18 chapters of my book and that they had still not called my name.  Where was Troy?  I thought that maybe I should pray.  I didn't know if they were even still operating but I went ahead and did it.  It went a little like this:

"Lord I know that you are in complete control.  I am not worried. 

Please continue to guide the hands of Dr. Jacobs.  

Thank you for your peace today."

It hit me.  I had not been anxious all day.  Not one time.  Not even when I had heard nothing.  I was all alone for several hours I had not had any distraction except for my book that was all about the love and sovereignty of my King! I have prayed for peace that passes all understanding before and I have felt at peace before, but never like this. God is good and I want to let you all know that too.  Many of you do, some of you don't.  But what I do know is that it is an awesome feeling and I pray that you all will feel it one day. 

Oh, and the surgery went well and there were some unexpected things but Troy is good and the doctor is hopeful that he will recover well!

Been meaning to post

I love blogging.  I feel like I can get stuff out.  I have never been a journaler (is that a word?).  I have tried but have failed at every attempt.  I wanted to journal my journey through the revival at church and I did for a while but then that too fell by the way side.   I was a consistent blogger for about 2 years, and that was 3 years ago.  So when I started again I had high hopes that I would keep it up.  Well you can all see that I have not been so diligent!  Here are few things that have happened since my last post.

1.  We are starting a Bible study/prayer group again in Joshua House.  This something that I always enjoyed with the ladies in my group.  I craved it and felt as though I was missing out on an important part of my week when I would have to miss it.  We stopped for many reasons. none that are important enough to tell.  I have felt a true loss since then.  Sure all the girls are still my friends but I have not had the same connection with them like I had before.  I felt the Lord tell me that we should be praying together.  It literally just came to me one day.  And when it came to me it was like that old proverbial light bulb going off.  So we are starting the new study tomorrow!  I am facilitating which can be nerve racking but really all it does is keep my accountable each week.

2. I got to meet with a new friend last week.  We have become blog/facebook friends and now we are real life I see your face friends.  Her girls are the same age as mine and I am hoping that relationship will grow.  It is so nice to find friends that are in the same season of life that you are in.  God has great timing when it comes to that I think.  I am so glad that I am a part of a church body were I can find these relationships.

3.  I have found that I have started some new relationships over the past several months and it has been really nice.  At the same time some old relationships have changed, some for the good and some for the bad.  This has been a trying few weeks for me and I have learned a lot about myself and others.  I have learned about how God would want me to act (and believe me, I have not always acted the best).  I have not enjoyed all that I have had to go through but I have come out unscathed.  And my faith is stronger.  I am seeing God work on me and that makes me grateful for the trials. 

4.  On a family note.  Troy is finally having his surgery on Thursday.  I have mixed emotions about that.  I am so very happy that his foot will be healed. It is also not going to cost near the amount we had expected.  But he is going to be out of work for 2-4 weeks and that my friends makes me nervous.  We will just have to wait and see.  I will keep you all posted.

5.  Jackson is doing great with school.  We finally started the first grade math book!  Yay!  And we are about to be on step 22 for SSRW.  His reading has really improved over the last few weeks. 

God is good all the time!

Worthy.....Reconcile

Yesterday I was overcome by God's goodness.  It started in worship service.  We sang such an awesome song called "Jesus is the Lord".  In it there is a part that says:

Your worthy of worship

Your worthy of praise

Your worthy of honor

your worthy of thanks 

The song speaks of how Jesus is the Lord and there is no other.  He is the Healer.  He is the One who overcame sin.  He is power.  He is worthy of all worship, praise, honor and thanks.  We owe it to Him.   I was overcome by these words.  Just knowing that one day every knee shall bow blows my mind.  He is so loving yet He is so just. I pray and mourn for those that do not know of His grace and mercy.

On another note I was able to reconcile with the person that hurt me.  I was approached by them.  Turns out it was a series of misunderstandings.  We both needed to apologize and we did.  Through this whole situation I realized that although I had a right to be upset I took it further then it ever had to go.  I let my upset turn into a rage.  When I did that it was no longer about the person I was mad at, it was about me.  I was making a mountain out of a mole hill and I was being selfish in the process.  I wanted to dwell on the anger.  As much as I hated it, I liked it.  How sick is that?  But I have to say, it is okay.  I am not walking in a circle in the wilderness about this anymore.  I have learned from this and I am continuing to walk in a straight line.  On my way to the "Promised Land". 

Feeling Better

It is amazing what a little time and a whole lotta prayer can do when you are feeling crummy.  Really, life is too short to stay angry with someone.  I am not completely over it but I am sure not going to dwell on it anymore.  One day hopefully the friendship will be restored back to what it started out as, until then I am not going to pout and act like a two year old.  I am done. 

I have been faithfully doing my study and will post an update tomorrow.  But I just had to post this because it is very freeing to let go of the anger and rage that I was feeling.

Mad-

So I have been mad lately.  My feelings were extremely hurt and I have been angry.  So much that I was physically ill from it.  I have been praying and asking God to help me forgive the offender as He forgives my offenses.  I am sincere in this prayer, yet I have not been able to forgive.  I have held on to the anger and have just gotten madder!  Yesterday I wanted to scream and yell and just tell someone about it.  I called several close friends and no answer.  Hmm.  That is odd.  Then as I sat in my bedroom the overwhelming feeling of the Holy Spirit and His word came into my heart.  I needed to read the Bible.  This was going to be the answer, I just knew it! 

Week 3: Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the land.

"If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

Matthew 5-38:48

Okay God.  I get it.  I need to turn the other cheek.  I can't right now.  I am mad.  I was wronged more then once and I don't know why I have to be the bigger person here.  Why can't the offender come to me and apologize? Jennifer Kennedy Dean wrote, " Don't pray that your enemy will change to suit you, or that they will get what they deserve.  Pray blessings on them, you will soon find your heart following your prayers.  It takes strength to be meek." 

Hmm, I started thinking about that.  When I am angry I am at my weakest.  When I exercise humility and grace I am strong. I have been praying that I could give them mercy and grace and honestly I don't believe they deserve it.  The truth is we all deserve grace and mercy.  I am praying the wrong way for them.  I need to start asking the Lord to work in their hearts and to bless their lives.  He is already working on them, I know because as humans we are a work in progress.  For now I will remain a safe distance from them and pray, I know that God can work miracles and I am sure that one day this too can be restored.

Jackson Hunter Brown

Today we celebrate the birth of my first born child.  The past seven years have been full of many emotions and events.  I would not trade one single second.  Approx. 8 years ago, I found out that I was pregnant.  We had only been married for a couple of months.  It was a shock and a happy surprise.  Sadly, only a month later the baby I was so excited for passed away.  I was so heart broken and felt like somebody or something ripped away all of my joy.  No, I was not planning for a baby but I had one and now I wanted it back.  The doctors told me to wait but I couldn't.  I wanted a baby.  Two months later on Troy's birthday I found out that I was pregnant again.  This one was not without its own troubles but in the end on April 28, my baby, my first born, my son came into this world.  All of the struggles that I had were forgotten the moment he was laid on my chest.  He was perfect and he was mine.  God entrusted me with him. 

Jackson, in your short life of seven years, you have grown to be such a loving boy.  You have a deep compassion for others.  You are always helping me around the house and with your sisters.  You have an imagination that I am in awe of.  Sometimes I laugh because you seem to confuse reality with pretend.  But I love that about you.  We are homeschooling for the first time this year and although you like to give me a hard time, you are doing so well.  You are learning to read and you are gaining a confidence that I hope you will carry for the rest of your life.  My prayer for you is that you will grow to be a godly man and that you will one day lead your wife and children on the path that the Lord has set for you.  You are my sweetest pea and I love you.  Happy Birthday!

struggling

So I am going to be so vague, and you will probably get irritated!  But oh well! 

I am sooooooo irritated with a situation right now that I can barely speak!  I was actually so mad to the point of shaking.  I don't know how to handle the situation because I am so angry and hurt.  I am torn on what to do.  Is it right to completely write off a relationship without talking to the offender first?  I want to, but that is so beyond my character.  It is not in my character to get this mad.  But at the same time in my adult life I have not had someone I call friend treat me or my family this way. 

Ugh!  I am unable to see a resolution.  I have been praying that I will be able to forgive and that I would be able to demonstrate grace and mercy and I thought I was really going to be able to and guess what?!?!?!?  I can't, I am not ready.  So you can pray for me, that would help!