Tuesday, January 4, 2011


I have been journaling and thought that I would type this out and share with you.  It has been a very rough few months.

I started thinking about life.  Something that is real and going on right now came to mind:

Charlotte has really been testing Troy and I lately.  We have had to discipline her more and more often over the last few months.  Last week was the worst.  I noticed that in the midst of it all she began to cry out and want to be held.  At first I played it off as a distraction, she didn't want to be punished, and then it hit me-she wants to know that she is still loved.  In the chaos of the yelling, spankings, time-outs and frustration; she wants to know that I still love her.  

At that moment I grabbed her up and held her close.  I sang to her and rubbed her back.  She was making that sound you do when you have been crying uncontrollably for an extended amount of time.  I rocked her to sleep that day, she was at peace knowing that she was in her mother's arms and that I loved her so much.

Today when I thought about that scenario I realized that I was having the same feelings with God.  As I have been going about life I have made mistakes and have been disobedient.  He disciplines me.  Lately it feels like more often than not I have been in a lot of trouble.  He is punishing me over and over.  I am worn down, I just want to know He loves me.  He has shown me over and over that He loves me; I was just too hysterical to see it. 

The words discipline and punishment are running through my mind.  Over and over.  And then a gentle voice says a new word. REFINING. I can't get the word out of my head. I am no longer consumed with thoughts of discipline and punishment.  I am not stuck on this word.  REFINING. 

I came home and looked it up.  The definition is: to bring to a fine or pure state; free from impurities; to improve by inserting superior elements.  

I am seeking counseling and she has been telling me for a while that all of this mess, these emotions, this stuff in my life is God working on me.  He is growing me.  I didn't know what that meant.  Do any of us?  It is hard to think that way.  How long will it take?

Today the Lord showed me that He does discipline when necessary but really He is refining me.  He wants to get rid of all of my imperfections and make me pure.  The 'superior elements' are only things that He can add.  

I know that I will never be able to achieve perfection.  That will only happen when I am with my Father in Heaven.  But for now I am learning to rest in the fact that He is sanctifying me to Him.  And how cool is that.  The Lord cares so much for me that He would work this hard!  

I praise Him for that.  

1 comment:

Sterling said...

He just may have to strip you and break you down to nothing to make you aware of His undying love for you. I LOVE YOU!!! You are so precious to me... I don't even think you know. :o)