Feeling Better

It is amazing what a little time and a whole lotta prayer can do when you are feeling crummy.  Really, life is too short to stay angry with someone.  I am not completely over it but I am sure not going to dwell on it anymore.  One day hopefully the friendship will be restored back to what it started out as, until then I am not going to pout and act like a two year old.  I am done. 

I have been faithfully doing my study and will post an update tomorrow.  But I just had to post this because it is very freeing to let go of the anger and rage that I was feeling.

Mad-

So I have been mad lately.  My feelings were extremely hurt and I have been angry.  So much that I was physically ill from it.  I have been praying and asking God to help me forgive the offender as He forgives my offenses.  I am sincere in this prayer, yet I have not been able to forgive.  I have held on to the anger and have just gotten madder!  Yesterday I wanted to scream and yell and just tell someone about it.  I called several close friends and no answer.  Hmm.  That is odd.  Then as I sat in my bedroom the overwhelming feeling of the Holy Spirit and His word came into my heart.  I needed to read the Bible.  This was going to be the answer, I just knew it! 

Week 3: Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the land.

"If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

Matthew 5-38:48

Okay God.  I get it.  I need to turn the other cheek.  I can't right now.  I am mad.  I was wronged more then once and I don't know why I have to be the bigger person here.  Why can't the offender come to me and apologize? Jennifer Kennedy Dean wrote, " Don't pray that your enemy will change to suit you, or that they will get what they deserve.  Pray blessings on them, you will soon find your heart following your prayers.  It takes strength to be meek." 

Hmm, I started thinking about that.  When I am angry I am at my weakest.  When I exercise humility and grace I am strong. I have been praying that I could give them mercy and grace and honestly I don't believe they deserve it.  The truth is we all deserve grace and mercy.  I am praying the wrong way for them.  I need to start asking the Lord to work in their hearts and to bless their lives.  He is already working on them, I know because as humans we are a work in progress.  For now I will remain a safe distance from them and pray, I know that God can work miracles and I am sure that one day this too can be restored.

Jackson Hunter Brown

Today we celebrate the birth of my first born child.  The past seven years have been full of many emotions and events.  I would not trade one single second.  Approx. 8 years ago, I found out that I was pregnant.  We had only been married for a couple of months.  It was a shock and a happy surprise.  Sadly, only a month later the baby I was so excited for passed away.  I was so heart broken and felt like somebody or something ripped away all of my joy.  No, I was not planning for a baby but I had one and now I wanted it back.  The doctors told me to wait but I couldn't.  I wanted a baby.  Two months later on Troy's birthday I found out that I was pregnant again.  This one was not without its own troubles but in the end on April 28, my baby, my first born, my son came into this world.  All of the struggles that I had were forgotten the moment he was laid on my chest.  He was perfect and he was mine.  God entrusted me with him. 

Jackson, in your short life of seven years, you have grown to be such a loving boy.  You have a deep compassion for others.  You are always helping me around the house and with your sisters.  You have an imagination that I am in awe of.  Sometimes I laugh because you seem to confuse reality with pretend.  But I love that about you.  We are homeschooling for the first time this year and although you like to give me a hard time, you are doing so well.  You are learning to read and you are gaining a confidence that I hope you will carry for the rest of your life.  My prayer for you is that you will grow to be a godly man and that you will one day lead your wife and children on the path that the Lord has set for you.  You are my sweetest pea and I love you.  Happy Birthday!

struggling

So I am going to be so vague, and you will probably get irritated!  But oh well! 

I am sooooooo irritated with a situation right now that I can barely speak!  I was actually so mad to the point of shaking.  I don't know how to handle the situation because I am so angry and hurt.  I am torn on what to do.  Is it right to completely write off a relationship without talking to the offender first?  I want to, but that is so beyond my character.  It is not in my character to get this mad.  But at the same time in my adult life I have not had someone I call friend treat me or my family this way. 

Ugh!  I am unable to see a resolution.  I have been praying that I will be able to forgive and that I would be able to demonstrate grace and mercy and I thought I was really going to be able to and guess what?!?!?!?  I can't, I am not ready.  So you can pray for me, that would help!

Modern Technology

Who needs to go and sit in a crowded restaurant with people you don't know when you can get it to go?  And who needs to talk to someone on the phone to order the food when there is the internet?  I love modern technology.  Just ordered our food online and was able to make specific changes without problem.  Now let's just see if is made correctly!

Tested..

So, my mom says that when the Lord teaches us something we must be prepared to use it.  Well, last night I was tested.  Troy came home tired and really beat down.  He had his annual review a couple of months ago and finally got the results yesterday.  He got a good review but was passed over for a raise.  So annoying!  They said it was because he was demoted last year.  So in my mind I start thinking about all of the situations that led to where we are today.  And I was NOT thinking about the good situations.  Only the bad.  He was demoted because he would not kiss up to his new boss.  And when the new boss left he also left a bad word about Troy in the new bosses ear.  He was then demoted and moved to a different location where he had to go in sometimes at 2 am.  The list goes on and on.  He has spent countless hours from his family and now his newest boss wants Troy to work on Sunday so that he (the boss) can go to church with his family.  I am mad!  I am mad as I type.  It seems like a no win situation and Troy won't quit because he has to have surgery on his foot.  And that is another thing....his surgery that keeps getting delayed!  But I digress, no really, I digress!

So am I so shallow and hypocritical that I would post a long blog about how good the Lord is to His people only to have something not go my way and forget it all and sit and be angry?  I was quick to anger last night, I admit it.  But immediately my blog popped into my mind. Ahh, the sweet reminders of the Holy Spirit.  Nothing, I mean nothing that happened yesterday or in the past 14 months has been a surprise to Him.  Not one thing.  He is in control.  We are okay!  We really are.  It doesn't matter that Troy has missed 2 raises in a row, or on paper was demoted by 15K.  Our tax returns last year show a much different story.  God provided for us, just like He provides for the birds in the air. And aren't we more precious then them?  So with that.  I may be irritated with the situation but I know that God is in control and that there is no surprising Him. 

And today I rest peacefully in that!

Should be writing a paper....

I should be writing a paper but I am blogging instead.  I have been thinking about a lot of different things lately.  Many selfish but more of them are not.  I have been working (slowly but surely) on a study of the Beattitudes.  Funny, I have been a Christian all my life practically and did not exactly know the Beattitudes.  Well, I am finishing Week 2. 

So far we have done: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Ok, what the heck does that mean?  If it means you are blessed if you are poor then hotdog!  I am getting somethin' good in heaven!  Ha! No it doesn't mean that.  It is knowing that you are and have nothing without the generosity of the Lord.  He is good and He takes care of us and without Him we would have nothing.  Not one thing.  Whether you believe in Him or not, you would have nothing it was not for our Lord God. Humbling yourself and recognizing and admitting this makes you poor in spirit. 

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God to be something grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death-even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted Him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father" 

Philippians 2:5-11

That group of verses is so powerful to me.  I know what Jesus did for me and to be commanded in the Word of God to have the same attitude as Him, well it is scary and exciting all at the same time. 

Week 2: Blessed are those that mourn, for they will be comforted. Jesus mourned to the Father over those that persecuted them.  He was never angry, bitter, or self-righteous.  He was sad and sorrowful for those that were against God.  He had compassion for them.  This verse calls us to have compassion for others. Even when we don't think they deserve it.  I mean, look at me!  I know I don't deserve His compassion, yet He gives it to me every time.  

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort which we ourselves are comforted by God.  For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ"

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

That's it.  That is all I have to share.  These two scriptures have really spoken to me these past couple of weeks, 

Ellie Words

Ellie was drawing a bunch of squiggly lines.  I told her she was doing a great job making circles.  She corrected me and said, "They are tortados like when it rains".  I love that stinker!

Field Trips

One of the things I wanted to do when I started homeschooling was to take the kids on lots and lots of field trips.  Well, there have not been many at all.  We are a busy bunch and carving out the 3-4 hours to do something can be hard sometimes.  So today we went to the zoo.  Jackson had a small assignment while we were there.  He took his creative writing journal and wrote down the animals that he saw and either a characteristic of that animal or what the animal was doing, ie: The lion was sleeping.  Here are some pics!

Jackson looking at a giant green eel.

 Char loved the meerkats.

Ellie and a huge turtle.

This was the best we could do.  It was the end of the day and Char had had enough!

This past weekend was very busy and relaxing all at the same time.  It started really on Monday when I was racing to get all of my Tot2Tot stuff registered.  Stressful but I am sure rewarding.  Running around all week buying hangers and safety pins was not the most fun, but not too bad either.  Then by Friday I was really getting tired. 

Oh and I forgot to mention that on Wednesday I hurt my back (pulling up my pants! I know weird!).  I actually pulled a muscle and pinched a nerve at the same time.  I went and saw my awesome massage therapist but I had to wait until Friday.  So by Friday I had a ton planned and my parents were also on their way (Yeah!).  I had my massage after my parents arrived.  Troy worked late, the steaks I had put out for dinner were still frozen solid, and so we had Taco Cabana, always a favorite at the Brown's. 

Saturday Jackson had a flag football game and he kicked hiney!  I was so proud.  He grabbed 6 flags (which is a tackle) and scored a touchdown.  He actually ran it right up the middle through the other team and scored.  It was so awesome I was so proud.  He totally redeemed himself from last week.  He was not paying attention and did poorly.  Then I got to NAP!  It was so nice, Mom and Dad were more then happy to pick up the slack for me.  Saturday night we went to my cousin CJ's wedding.  It was really nice to see family. 

Sunday I attempted church but my guy, Riley, was not there so I just came back home.  Char had a fever and although I knew my mom was capable, I wanted to be home with her.  We had our traditional lunch at Jason's Deli before Mom and Dad left and that was it....Very busy but relaxing at the same time!

*while I was typing this I heard an awful sound and Charlotte crying.  Yep, she did it!  She puked.  Oh joy!  I am glad I made that doctor appt!

Always changing

That is how I would describe my mind.  It is always changing.  In my newest revelation I have thought about homeschooling Ellie too.  I would wait until she started Kinder.  I really think that she will have a blast at CEC.  Then when she is in Kinder, I can put Char in CEC.  It is still not what I had originally planned but it will do for now.  Ha!  The key words...for now.  I am sure between now and August I will have rethought homeschooling Jackson, and for sure about homeschooling Ellie.  I am a planner.  Sure, I like to be in control.  But mostly I just like to plan.  I love lists, lesson plans, and the like.  I have so much fun seeing what needs to be done and when it will be accomplished.  That is why this whole homeschool, charter school, private school, or public school has been so hard on me.  I can't really plan.  I have to have faith.  I am admittedly a self-proclaimed work-in-progress. 

On another note.  I have decided on a new curriculum for next year.  It is Five in a Row or FIAR.  I am really excited and will keep you all posted.

Conversations:

Yesterday morning it was gloomy and rainy.  Jackson had a football game that was delayed, and then we ended up playing in the drizzle that was left over from the storm.  When we got home the sun decided to peek it's little head out from behind the clouds.  Jackson came running into the kitchen to tell me.

J: Mom!  The sun is out!
M: I know.
J: Can you believe that God can do that? 
M: Yes son, I can. 

What sweet and precious innocence.

I love homeschooling Jackson.  I really do.  But in my plans all of my children will be in public school and I will be teaching.  This does not seem to be the plan that is happening at the moment.  At the moment I am still homeschooling my first grader, Ellie is enrolled in CEC, and Char is on the wait list.  I know that Char is still very little for CEC but I just wanted to have a break a couple days a week.  Especially if Jackson was still going to be home.  We are making great strides and I want him to be able to be independent and succeed.  I just don't think he is there yet, unfortunately.  I don't want to rush him.  But where do I start seeing more progress?  Are my expectations so unbelievably high?  I am a self proclaimed control freak, and these decisions are completely out of my control!  I can traipse down to the school and register them where I want them to go but it doesn't mean they will get in.  I could call Faith West, but I have no idea who is going to pay them.  These are all decisions that honestly I know don't need to be made now. I am just so over this waiting and not knowing.  I talk to other mom's (homeschool and not) and they all have their own opinions (none of which match each other!).  I digress.  I am spending thousands of dollars on my own education and have even started questioning this decision.  Although I strongly feel like it was God-led, I am still wondering if I should have been so ambitious.  I have to admit it would be easier if I didn't have to worry about my assignments every week.  Oh well.....

Just a quick note

I have been thinking about my spiritual walk a lot lately.  I feel that it is stagnant.  I love the Lord and I LOVE to worship.  Actually I do that almost all day long.  Songs pop into my head and I catch myself standing in the middle of the room I happen to be in with my hands raised and my voice booming.  But I don't spend enough personal time with Him.  I need to get crackin'! 

I am hoping to get a prayer group going.  The logistics are still unknown but I feel as though a group of women together lifting up their voices in unison to the Lord is something that not only does He delight in, I delight in.  I have missed that and I am praying that all the details will work out! 

In the mood

To start blogging again, on a regular basis.  I used to be so good at keeping up.  I have another blogging account and although I don't use it anymore; it is nice to look back at it.  I can see where I have grown and were I still need too! 

I have found myself answering the "How are you?" with "Good, but really busy".  This is something that can be construed as both good and bad.  I could be bored, which means that I am not doing anything, which means my house is a mess, my kids are dirty and unfed, I am failing my classes, oh and most importantly I am not teaching Jackson.  There are also the ballet lessons, football games and practices, PE classes, and don't forget the never-ending list of church activities that we are involved in.  And then the social life.  It is important to be around other people that don't share your last name every once in a while.  And although all these things are important to me; I have to ask, are they really that important? 

I have to look at what we are doing as a family.  Are Troy and I teaching our children what we think that God wants us to?  Is this why He made us a family; to be busy all of the time and EXHAUSTED most of the time?  I don't think so.  But what do we give up?  Where is the balance?  I am not sure of the answer to that question.  What I am sure of is that we are called, as parents, to teach the Word to our children.  I think that if I can get that, I am doing something right.  I love the teachable "God moments"  that we get.  And they seem to come more and more these days. 

All of this to say that although I am busy and I truly have a lot on my plate, I need to etch out more time for my God, my family, and those "God moments" with them.  One day they will be grown up.  They will have their own families.  They will answer "Busy but good" to the "How are you's?".  It is then the fruits of my labor and the answers to prayer will be truly seen.  Not that I am ready for them to grow up, I am just excited to see the godly man and women they become!