A few weeks ago I blogged about getting rid of all of the excess. Today I finally had a garage sale that I would say was pretty successful. The thing is that I felt very sad and even though I liked counting the dollar bills I felt like I was getting rid of something that I really should be holding on to.
I am a big purger. I always throw away more then I should. My house doesn't always reflect that because to be quite honest...I LIVE HERE! But for the most part I like to throw things away. Never in my life have I experienced something like this whole clothes thing. I can't get rid of my kids clothes. I don't know why. Jackson was 5 before I finally got rid of all of his clothes. FIVE YEARS of holding on to that crap. Even when I was ready to do it I still felt bad after. The same thing today. There was still a lot of stuff left over but I could not bring myself to take to Goodwill. I needed to hold on to it.
It is all still sitting in my car. No one other then the driver can get into the car because of all of the clothes. Little pieces of cloth that represent memories over that last 5 years. It is hard. I am sure I will get over it soon. Just not today.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Waiting for my glimpse
I don't have anything too interesting to blog about today. But I thought it would be good to blog anyway. Maybe I can talk about some things I have been feeling lately.
Our life is in this limbo now. It is a hard place to be. You want to have the assurance of a paycheck in two weeks when in all actuality you know that in a week and 2 days you could potentially be getting the last one. It is scary that I have $88 in my savings account and although there is a severance it needs to last long enough for Troy to get a job. It is scary when others in our situation crush your positive attitude about things because they are in the fire and it is really hot...and they are letting you know just how hot it can be. Then there are those that seem to be getting it all. It just all falls into their laps (at least that is they way it looks from the outside looking in). I find myself wondering what the plan is. Why is all of this happening? What am I supposed to do. So far the only thing I am getting is nothing. Which means I need to keep doing what I am doing and wait.
Many do not seem to get this. There are some that have asked when I am going to go back to work. I would do it tomorrow if I had to. But I have been prayerful in this decision and so far I have not heard God tell me to stop homeschooling my kids. If anything I feel like when I pray this prayer more doors and resources open up to just solidify the decision in homeschooling. I know that is hard for many to understand.
I can honestly say that I am not worried about God providing but I am really anxious to know what the plan is. I know it is unrealistic to think that He would tell me, but sometimes he gives us glimpses. I guess I will just have to wait and see. Waiting...I seem to do that a lot these days. I pray that He will let me capture a glimpse sooner rather then later.
Wow for someone that has nothing to say I was able to get some stuff out!
Our life is in this limbo now. It is a hard place to be. You want to have the assurance of a paycheck in two weeks when in all actuality you know that in a week and 2 days you could potentially be getting the last one. It is scary that I have $88 in my savings account and although there is a severance it needs to last long enough for Troy to get a job. It is scary when others in our situation crush your positive attitude about things because they are in the fire and it is really hot...and they are letting you know just how hot it can be. Then there are those that seem to be getting it all. It just all falls into their laps (at least that is they way it looks from the outside looking in). I find myself wondering what the plan is. Why is all of this happening? What am I supposed to do. So far the only thing I am getting is nothing. Which means I need to keep doing what I am doing and wait.
Many do not seem to get this. There are some that have asked when I am going to go back to work. I would do it tomorrow if I had to. But I have been prayerful in this decision and so far I have not heard God tell me to stop homeschooling my kids. If anything I feel like when I pray this prayer more doors and resources open up to just solidify the decision in homeschooling. I know that is hard for many to understand.
I can honestly say that I am not worried about God providing but I am really anxious to know what the plan is. I know it is unrealistic to think that He would tell me, but sometimes he gives us glimpses. I guess I will just have to wait and see. Waiting...I seem to do that a lot these days. I pray that He will let me capture a glimpse sooner rather then later.
Wow for someone that has nothing to say I was able to get some stuff out!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
first test
So right after I blogged about wants and needs I got suckered in to an infomercial. I was going to buy it. I went to the website and started filling out the form. My dear friend on facebook made a comment about my blog post and then me rushing to buy this thing. I stopped what I was doing and decided to wait. The more I have thought about it the more I realize that I don't NEED this thing.
The night after I finished the 5k Troy was talking to me and telling me how proud he was of me and how well I was doing with the running thing. He also said he would like to buy me an iPod if this is something I wanted to really pursue; and it is. I would much rather save our money for an iPod then something from an infomercial no matter how cool I think it is! I know I will get a lot of use out of the iPod. So that being said I think I passed the first test with help from friends! :) Thanks B!
The night after I finished the 5k Troy was talking to me and telling me how proud he was of me and how well I was doing with the running thing. He also said he would like to buy me an iPod if this is something I wanted to really pursue; and it is. I would much rather save our money for an iPod then something from an infomercial no matter how cool I think it is! I know I will get a lot of use out of the iPod. So that being said I think I passed the first test with help from friends! :) Thanks B!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
In anticipation for the day that we can afford to get new floors I have convinced my wonderful husband to tear up the ones we have. They are dirty and smelly and I am over them. He has been a great sport and has done this task for me. I would do it myself but I am not that great with a crow-bar. (I made some holes in the drywall when doing it myself). Anyway, in this process I have just felt like we have too much stuff. Now by the typical American standard we don't have enough, but I don't feel as though we should be living by the American standard.
I know someone who at the beginning of the school year buys 6 shirts, 4 pairs of pants, 4 pairs of shorts, 2 pairs of shoes, socks and underwear for her four children. These are the ONLY clothes they have for the year. Imagine that? Surveying my girls closet they each have at least (not an exaggeration) 12 dresses a piece. They each have at least 10 pairs of shorts and about as many skirts. Forget about the shirts; there have got to be at least 25 each. They both have 5+ pairs of shoes and Ellie has about 15 pairs of panties. I bet you have only seen them in about a 1/4 of those outfits. Today Ellie wore a dress that my neighbor thought was new, she has had it forever just hardly ever wears it. To top it all off I have only purchased about 10% of the items. They are all hand-me-downs. (I am so thankful for every single piece!)
Here's the thing; as much as I love that others are looking out for us and I love that we are being taken care of I don't NEED all of this stuff. My girls cannot possibly wear every single piece of clothing in their closet. There is just no way. And really, did the children of the person(s) giving me the stuff wear all of it too? I would have to think not. It is just crazy. So in all of this craziness I have been thinking about what is a want and what is a need. Troy and I want a lot of things. We buy a lot of those wants. We don't NEED about 95% of them. Someone or something has told us that we do but in reality we don't. Troy was even a bit nervous about the amount of clothes we are getting rid of. I just looked at him and said there is enough!
Lately I have noticed that there is a lot going out (money) and we really don't have anything to show for it. I added up the amount of expenditures that we thought we "needed" over the last month that were really "wants". We are going to take that amount in cash and put it in a jar. The rule is that the money cannot leave the jar unless Troy and I both agree that it is a necessity and not just a want. It is okay to have wants and to even get them but we both have to agree that it is worth it. I think this will be a great visual for us. We are horrible savers and I think that we will be able to have a rather large savings account after doing this project. I will let you know how it goes. I want to try it for 6 months.
I don't know what to do with all of the clothes. Someone suggested that I hand it all down too. I can't do that to someone. It is so overwhelming. I could have participated in Tot2Tot but this was not the right time for so many reasons. I think I might have a garage sale and then donate the rest. Either way it needs to leave my home for good! For those of you that read this and are the ones that hand stuff down to me, I am not saying don't do it anymore but I will not promise it will all stay with me. I am going to have a strict 10 piece rule from now on. I will take out my favorite 10 pieces and then pass the rest on to someone else! That way the next person doesn't have to be so overwhelmed and the clothing can be a blessing to them too.
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| The girls clothes that we are getting rid of. |
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| The clothes from our closet. |
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Running it out for the Generations...
Today I participated in my first ever 5K. That is 3.2 miles if you don't know. I have been training for this for a while. I actually injured myself 3 weeks ago and have not been able to run until today. It was really hard. I didn't run the whole time but I would say that I ran about half. Not bad I'd say.
When I crossed the finish line I lost it. I started to cry and couldn't stop. Several friends ran up and hugged me (sweat, stink, tears and all). Even little Charlotte came up and grabbed my leg. I was hurting. The arch in my foot was so sore that I think I may have bruised it. My groin felt like I had pulled a muscle. Why was I crying though? The pastor's wife came up to me and made the comment that it was a pretty emotional moment. She wanted to know why. I said because it was so hard. But now that I have had time to process it all I realize that I was so emotional because this has been an emotional journey.
At the end of May I decided that I needed to seek counseling. I was struggling with some relationships with friends, my marriage was less then desirable and I was just plain exhausted. I was angry all the time too and this was so unlike me. I went and saw a counselor at church and she had some really good things to say. One was that I did not have clear boundaries set for myself and for others around me and the other was that I was wrapped up in some Generational Sin. (I will go into generational sin in another post, it is too long for this one!). Anyway, I had put all of this pressure on myself and had decided that I was not important. Everyone else around me was. This is a pattern of sorts that other women in my family have, and maybe even still do, struggled with. I was not aware of some of it but my mom was able to bring some things to light. The thing with GS (like my abbreviation!) is that it gets stuck to us and we may not even know about it. We walk around paying for wrongs in the past, and many times we continue those wrongs. We are held down by the bondage that GS brings.
Anyway, at the time I admitted that I did not pray for myself. Never. Not ever. I knew that this was not a good way to live but I felt that I did not need to bother God with my problems. After seeing the counselor and having a few revelations of my own I realized that I had a problem. One was I was extremely overweight. I had ballooned up to a weight that I had not seen in a non-pregnant state. I was eating for 5 and not thinking twice about it. I couldn't walk up the stairs at my friends house with out being so winded that I thought I might just have asthma.
I decided to join Weight Watchers and I have lost 15 lbs so far. I also decided to run. Something that even my husband said I shouldn't do because of my knees. I started praying for myself and asking God for specific things.
Well I did it! I ran my first 5K today and although I walked some I crossed that finish line. As I ran and the pain started to overwhelm me and the enemy started to whisper lies in my ear, I cried to the Almighty. He got me through it. When I thought I was done there was scripture and there were photos of girls that are held in bondage. The outpour of emotions, at the end of the race, was because today was just another broken chain of the bondage that the women before me and myself were smothered by. This was a chain that will not be able to hold down the generations that will follow me and that includes my girls!
The motto for Kingsland Baptist Church is "Love God, Love People, and equipping the generations one home at a time". I tell you that today some powerful things happened with the beginning and the completion of that run and I am so glad it did.
When I crossed the finish line I lost it. I started to cry and couldn't stop. Several friends ran up and hugged me (sweat, stink, tears and all). Even little Charlotte came up and grabbed my leg. I was hurting. The arch in my foot was so sore that I think I may have bruised it. My groin felt like I had pulled a muscle. Why was I crying though? The pastor's wife came up to me and made the comment that it was a pretty emotional moment. She wanted to know why. I said because it was so hard. But now that I have had time to process it all I realize that I was so emotional because this has been an emotional journey.
At the end of May I decided that I needed to seek counseling. I was struggling with some relationships with friends, my marriage was less then desirable and I was just plain exhausted. I was angry all the time too and this was so unlike me. I went and saw a counselor at church and she had some really good things to say. One was that I did not have clear boundaries set for myself and for others around me and the other was that I was wrapped up in some Generational Sin. (I will go into generational sin in another post, it is too long for this one!). Anyway, I had put all of this pressure on myself and had decided that I was not important. Everyone else around me was. This is a pattern of sorts that other women in my family have, and maybe even still do, struggled with. I was not aware of some of it but my mom was able to bring some things to light. The thing with GS (like my abbreviation!) is that it gets stuck to us and we may not even know about it. We walk around paying for wrongs in the past, and many times we continue those wrongs. We are held down by the bondage that GS brings.
Anyway, at the time I admitted that I did not pray for myself. Never. Not ever. I knew that this was not a good way to live but I felt that I did not need to bother God with my problems. After seeing the counselor and having a few revelations of my own I realized that I had a problem. One was I was extremely overweight. I had ballooned up to a weight that I had not seen in a non-pregnant state. I was eating for 5 and not thinking twice about it. I couldn't walk up the stairs at my friends house with out being so winded that I thought I might just have asthma.
I decided to join Weight Watchers and I have lost 15 lbs so far. I also decided to run. Something that even my husband said I shouldn't do because of my knees. I started praying for myself and asking God for specific things.
Well I did it! I ran my first 5K today and although I walked some I crossed that finish line. As I ran and the pain started to overwhelm me and the enemy started to whisper lies in my ear, I cried to the Almighty. He got me through it. When I thought I was done there was scripture and there were photos of girls that are held in bondage. The outpour of emotions, at the end of the race, was because today was just another broken chain of the bondage that the women before me and myself were smothered by. This was a chain that will not be able to hold down the generations that will follow me and that includes my girls!
The motto for Kingsland Baptist Church is "Love God, Love People, and equipping the generations one home at a time". I tell you that today some powerful things happened with the beginning and the completion of that run and I am so glad it did.
Friday, September 17, 2010
My Girls
*Warning still no camera...so no cute pics to update!*
My girls are really so very special to me. They have really started playing with each other over the last week. It will be very quiet and I will go looking for them only to find that they have shut the door to their room and are playing vet with all of their animals. I know Ellie likes it because she can tell Charlotte what to do and Charlotte likes it because Ellie will play with her. There is a time when toddlers stop playing by themselves and actually want to engage in play with others. Charlotte has finally started to really make the transition.
Today I realized it was 1:30 and I had not put Charlotte down for her nap yet. This is very unusual because I am ready for her nap by then. I found her and Ellie sharing a blanket in the gameroom watching Olivia and looking at books together. They were so sweet and I hated to break it up. When I told Charlotte is was time to go to be she jumped up and yelled, "Night, Hellie." She loves her sister!
Ellie is starting to tolerate Charlotte a lot more too. I think that she is realizing that Char can play too it is just a little differently. They have truly spent hours upon hours this week just playing together. What a blessing. I am sure the cat-fights are sure to ensue but for now I am enjoying this time of sisterly love!
My girls are really so very special to me. They have really started playing with each other over the last week. It will be very quiet and I will go looking for them only to find that they have shut the door to their room and are playing vet with all of their animals. I know Ellie likes it because she can tell Charlotte what to do and Charlotte likes it because Ellie will play with her. There is a time when toddlers stop playing by themselves and actually want to engage in play with others. Charlotte has finally started to really make the transition.
Today I realized it was 1:30 and I had not put Charlotte down for her nap yet. This is very unusual because I am ready for her nap by then. I found her and Ellie sharing a blanket in the gameroom watching Olivia and looking at books together. They were so sweet and I hated to break it up. When I told Charlotte is was time to go to be she jumped up and yelled, "Night, Hellie." She loves her sister!
Ellie is starting to tolerate Charlotte a lot more too. I think that she is realizing that Char can play too it is just a little differently. They have truly spent hours upon hours this week just playing together. What a blessing. I am sure the cat-fights are sure to ensue but for now I am enjoying this time of sisterly love!
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